Every man I have dated has ghosted me. My ex is married now. Which is funny because he used to say he was afraid of marriage. Maybe he was just afraid to marry me. Needless to say, he more than moved on. Because, well, he ended our relationship without healing any wounds. He ghosted me and left me feeling ejected, duped and clueless.
When he vanished I analyzed every conversation we ever had and everything I ever did to cause him to just up and disappear. I had so many questions as to what went wrong, or why he didn’t have the decency to talk to me about it before disappearing. “Did he find someone else? Was he cheating? Was I just not good enough? What did I do?”
Not having closure has left me empty for years; the wound has yet to heal.
Although I believe I am being open to new connections and a relationship, year after year, I don’t feel a spark with any man I meet. Not a glimpse, glimmer or hope. Any chance of fireworks is snuffed out before the firecrackers blow the hell up and light up the sky.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just picky as my choosiness is hindering me from meeting a man. I don’t need to settle with just anyone who comes along, but I also shouldn’t keep my distance from men and shut myself off from love all together.
How do I open up? I am too afraid to let anyone in. That’s why, since my ex, all the men that I’ve “dated” live in a different state. A long-distance relationship makes me feel safe when shit goes wrong. “Well, he’s over there and I’m over here – it’s OK if it doesn’t work out,” I rationalize. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case; it doesn’t make me immune from hurt.
Just this last year I was involved in another long-distance situationship. We spoke every day over the phone. I began to let my guard down and felt close enough to say, “Let’s pursue things further.” He agreed and we made plans to meet in a month later. Other plans were also in the works.
“I can’t wait to see you next month,” he expressed just a few days prior. I felt so elated. I text that night as I always do but he didn’t respond. I began to freak out. We didn’t argue, I thought. Things are fine. Maybe something happened to him, maybe he is hurt. I went on his Facebook page and there he was – not dead. Just ghosted.
This catapulted me back to my ex and how he ghosted me. And the relationship before that where he ghosted me. I felt duped yet again by someone who I thought cared for me.
This triggered my anxiety and my depression. I feel broken. My self-esteem is tattered, filled with holes. And I haven’t a clue how to fill them.